Lessons From My Mom's Short Life
My son turned 5 years-old last month.
When I turned 5 years-old I got a few weeks with my mom and then she died in a drunk driving car accident.
That’s it, that’s all the time I got with her.
Five short years.
My brain won’t let go of this fact that is woven into my bones.
Death.
Tragedy.
Loss.
Fear of leaving this life too early.
Fear of losing loved ones too early.
It’s all here, the waves of grief. They came rushing in this past month.
I let the tears fall.
I let the fears spiral.
Then, I reminded myself I am powerful like my mom.
My mom who was 23 years young when she died.
She had big blonde hair and wore blue eyeliner.
Her and her friends wore shoulder pads and listened to Guns and Roses.
She worked a lot.
I still get angry when I think about how much time was robbed from the little time we had.
A single mom working too much. Bringing me with her to cut hair after I was in school all day.
I know some of what I remember is made up.
Some are stories I hold close to my heart that I’ll never let go of.
I remember:
Using the broom and dustpan to sweep up hair at her hair studio
Racing up and down the hallway where they washed hair
Spinning endlessly in the empty salon chairs
I loved late nights watching her work even though now I know how stressful that must have been for her.
There are a few things my mom showed me that I pray all young girls learn early on.
Women are powerful
Women can start their own business and thrive
Women need friends
Moms need people to lean on
We need to have fun with what little time we have
Since my mom was in her early 20s she prioritized fun every chance she had.
We went skiing; on ATVs, on boats, to the water park, on tons of hikes, and we had fun.
This year I am letting go of another layer of anger.
I’m prioritizing more fun in my life because none of us are promised time. And we all deserve to have fun with the time we have on this earth.
I’m also letting go of storylines that tell me I can’t be as successful as I imagine. This year I am putting myself out there more and supporting more people in feeling good in their bodies and minds.
Thank you for reading this and for sharing it with anyone you know who needs more peace and stillness in their life.
If you or someone you love is struggling with grief I write about it more in my poetry book, Sunshine by Design. It is full of heartbreaking and funny stories that shaped me into the woman I am today. The poems came out of a decade long struggle with depression. Overtime the poems shifted and I noticed each one mentioned light. To me, that light was my mom’s way of communicating with me. It was her way of saying, “Acceptance isn’t always easy, but with persistent light and love anything is possible.”
Here’s the first poem in Sunshine by Design:
Dear Clarity,
You are my new best friend, and here’s why:
Your sweet words cut through the noise, shine warm beams of light into all my cells, and silence doubt.
You are the lotus flower growing out of the swampy pond.
You dance with me and remind me to play by helping me avoid
situations that will cause harm.
Without you, this poetry book, Sunshine by Design would not
exist.
You’re sexy and you make me feel powerful.
You restore my vision and open my eyes to the truth, that my
depression is rooted in being human —and maybe caused by my head injuries, and maybe by my past, but one hundred percent in being human—and feeling connected to all beings everywhere.
You remind me with sweetness that running water is a gift. Clean water is a gift. I am abundant in the daily use of flowing water.
You remind me I’m not afraid to see problems. I don’t need to pretend they aren’t there.
You remind me my problems are valid and, also, most of them can be worked through with a pen and paper.
You led me to the organization Charity Water and to the book Thirst.
You told me to begin selling all of my books for zero profit, to follow the Charity Water way of giving, to give to The Spring at Charity Water, and to figure out how to keep giving and growing from there.
So, thank you, Clarity, my best friend, for always being there when I need you, especially over these last two years.
If you’re able to give to an organization, I highly recommend this one. Also, all the profits from the book Thirst go directly to Charity Water and it is an incredible book to listen to or read. I didn’t end up selling many poetry books, but I did start giving money to The Spring. One day, when my books are making an income I will up my monthly offerings to the charity water organization.
Love Always,
